A wide sea of eyes…

A list of things I want in my next relationship

Archive for the tag “love”

Twelve: A team player

You don’t have to be an athlete, but you do need to know how to be a team player to be successful in a relationship with me.

A person can learn a lot from participating on a sports team.  However, it is not a guarantee that you will be a team player in a relationship.  I have known many athletes who can be selfish players and have trouble getting along in relationships because they don’t know how to be part of a two person team.

The flip side of that is that there are people who have not had the benefit of playing organized sports, but still know how to make a positive contribution to the “team”.  The experience of playing team sports is great, but it is not the only way to learn how to be part of a team.  I can see it from both sides.  I learned the value of team play much later in life, and my children are all very active in team sports.

So what does it mean to play on team WSOE (Wide Sea Of Eyes)?

Being on the WSOE team means:

  • read my entire blog (just kidding…but seriously, read it)
  • treat me as an equal
  • respect my opinions
  • communicate your own opinions
  • being an active participant in the relationship
  • be flexible
  • be positive
  • know how to give and take
  • cheer for his team members!

Here are a couple of pictures of one of my little athletes.  The first picture was taken when he was just getting started and now he is quite a skater.  He is a great sportsman and will one day be a terrific partner to someone.  He is one of the fortunate people who is growing up  playing a sport he loves, but that is not enough for him to learn the important skills needed to be a part of a relationship team.   As his mother/coach/cheerleader, it is my goal that he will learn those skills and be happy in his own future relationships.  I am hopeful that this will happen.  He has his own personal coach after all!

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Ten: Supportive


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There’s no question about it.  Life can be a challenge.  There are people in our lives who can be difficult and test our patience, our resilience, and our confidence.

I’m not going to say that the world is full of hurtful people or that I run into too many jerks in my life.  That is too negative and I am not about that.  I am just gong to say that there are some people who make life unnecessarily difficult.

I will never understand why they do that, why they create a problem when none existed, why they over react to minor issues or why they feel envious of people who are happy.  Who knows why and quite frankly, who cares?  It is too exhausting to try to get into the heads of some people.  I am just going to say that those people don’t need to be around me.

Go away negative people!  You try to bring others down in order to make yourself feel good.  You don’t have the self-confidence required to be happy in your own life so when you see someone who has it good, you go for the jugular in a futile effort to

bring

them

down.

How misguided is that?  It’s a flawed formula for personal happiness.

Go and find your folk, like-minded cranky pants-es like yourselves and leave me to live in Lanaworld – a world where there is beauty in nature, joy in children, and warmth in connecting with good people over a cold beer, tasty snacks and some good music.

This blog post is about being in a relationship where there is support for one another.  Like it or not, I am going to run into these  toxic people.  Those are the days when I need someone to have my back.  I need him to rally behind me and say, “Hey!  That’s not fair!” and “You didn’t deserve that!” and “No matter what happens, I am here for you.”

“I’ve got your back.”

Powerful words aren’t they?  How lovely to hear them.  It feels so good to have someone to count on.  It feels awesome to be able to give that support in return.  A relationship should create a soft place to land at the end of the day, and at the same time be the rock solid foundation on which you go about your busy days.

It’s important to me to be the kind of person who supports others whenever I can.   I believe you get what you give, so why not give the best gift of all?  Give yourself.

Six: Attractive to me Part One

Of course appearance matters.  Of course it does!  Why deny it?  A guy can be all kinds of fantastic things but if the thought of kissing him makes me think, “Ew” then it is never going to work.

Does that mean I want a guy who looks like one of these guys?

Um…well…sort of, but not really.  Their six packs intimidate me.  I have a six pack too…but my six pack is in the cooler.   Just looking at their pictures makes me want to adjust my shirt as I sit in my comfies snacking and blogging.

I totally accept that at this point in life that my man may have a belly or a bald head…or both.  He will have eye crinkles and a few scars from earlier times.  His knees make creek and his back many give out now and then.  That’s all okay. Honestly!  I really mean it!

Sometimes a person can be totally hot just because their personality makes them so.  Those people are not very photogenic but there is just something about them that is so darn attractive.

Remember this guy?

Javier Bardem is not conventionally handsome is he?
But he oozes sexiness.

Or how about this guy?

Chris O’Dowd is also not typically handsome but he is a cutie-pie!

Both the above actors have awesome accents which bring on a ton of sex appeal. But they also have an honest to goodness attractiveness that comes across on film when they play likeable characters.  I don’t think either of these dudes sport six packs but who the hell cares?  They are soooo cute and sexy in live action.  I bet they smell good too.

Okay so let’s put Hollywood actors aside.  What am I looking for in real life?  Here is a brief list:

1.  Nice teeth – not perfectly white and straight but clean-looking white and straight, know what I mean?  Generally men who take care of their teeth also have good breath which can be a deal maker or breaker.

2.  Taller than me – this isn’t asking for much since I am 5′ 5″ but I want to be able to wear heels whenever I feel like being all girly and stuff.

3.  Smells amazing – On this one I need to be careful.  I have known some really great smelling men who were also what we would call bad boys.  Their smell was intoxicating and we all know the bad decisions we make when we are intoxicated. Sheesh.

4.  A certain je ne sais quois – he is attractive because there is just something that I can’t put my finger on.  Something about his personality, his sense of humour, his friendly, positive, up beat, cool, unique personality that comes across in his facial expressions.  I don’t know how to describe it but I sure know it when I see it.  Sigh.

So there you have it.  It’s a pretty short list.  I don’t think I am asking for a lot.  I am not looking for Hollywood handsome.  I just want someone who is attractive to me.

Now that I am done writing this post for today I think I will go do some sit ups. Seriously.

Four: Trust

Trust – It makes me sad to write this post because it forces me to remove my rose-coloured glasses and take a good look around.  When I do that, I see a lot of assholes.  Why would I want to see those guys everywhere?

I had a real pair of rose-coloured glasses, Janis Joplin style, as a ten-year old that I wore with a poncho and flared jeans. I thought the world was a very cool place in those days.

I love looking at the world through my “rose coloured’ glasses.  I like to see the good in others, even the ones who have done me some wrong.  I suppose I give people too many chances and wait too long to recognize that someone doesn’t deserve my trust.  I know that I am too naive.  I know that I shouldn’t always take what people say at face value.

I could be a little less trusting…

Trust does have to be balanced with some street smarts so that I don’t end up in a nasty van with an axe murderer.

I may be a little too trusting, and I need to be more careful about who I put my faith in, but I actually like that about myself.  I like seeing the good in others, I really do!

I am going to buy myself an adult pair of rose-coloured glasses this week and I am going to wear them happily.  That will be a little gift to myself, a visual reminder that the world is a good place and there are still lots of truly trustworthy folk in it.

Eventually I will meet a person worthy of my trust no matter what lenses I am looking through.

Three: Kindness

Even tough guys can be kind!

I had a list of what I wanted in a man when I was in my 20’s that included things like educated, attractive, athletic, and I don’t know what else but I do know that I didn’t include kindness.

What the hell was I thinking?

When I think of kindness I think of two things 1. Children and 2. Animals.  How he treats both indicates the level of kindness in his heart.  If he hits his dog, or ignores his children…then he isn’t a kind man.

If he calls me names and swears at me than he isn’t kind.  If he turns his back on me or ignores me when I am hurting then he isn’t a kind-hearted man.  If he hurts me physically and emotionally without sincere remorse then guess what?  He isn’t a kind person.  If he lies, cheats and plays games, then he isn’t a kind-hearted man.  If he treats me like a door mat or a second class citizen, then he is lacking kindness.

Why didn’t I have kindness on my twenty something list?

I

Was

An

Idiot

I just didn’t think it all through.  I didn’t have enough good character traits on my list to make sure that I had kindness in my relationships.  I took it for granted that other people are like me.  It never occurred to me to do those awful things and I naively believed that most men are kind.

Now I know better.  

I am proud of myself for getting rid of the unkind men I have known.  I deserve better than those assholes and now I really know it.  Now I know to expect it right from the beginning and to expect nothing less.

This blog isn’t just about finding a kind man but it is about developing a kind relationship.  I know that my partner will want kindness from me in return.  Kindness goes both ways after all.  I know how to speak softly, to protect a tender heart, to touch gently and to appreciate the small things and to give them in return.

Kindness…such a fundamental ingredient to a healthy relationship and one I will never again live without.

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Two: A sense of humour

There is nothing more attractive that a guy who is funny.  Seriously.  It’s easy to overlook a bit of weight or receding hair if the dude makes me laugh.  Take Kevin James for example (Yes, the Mall Cop, the King of Queens, that’s the one).  He is sweet and funny and that is damn cute.

 

Adorable right?

When I looked for a picture of this guy I had a hard time finding one in which he wasn’t smiling.  I have a thing for teeth too but there’ll be more on that later…

There are different kinds of humour like there are different kinds of intelligence.  Check out this article

 http://laughing-stalk.blogspot.ca/2010/02/understanding-7-different-types-of.html

I don’t like a guy who finds humour at the expense of others – the prankster, someone who puts down others, sarcastic and mocking humour which is more popular in the media these days.  You can be funny without being nasty.

And I don’t like clichés or corny – how boring!   I want to scream, “Get some new material already!”

I do like a dash of silly, a bit of self-deprecation, some irony and a great story.  My humour is very situational – in the moment.  I like stupid comedies – done well.  I love witty one liners – a joke that catches me by surprise.

I believe that you can be the owner of more than one type of humour.  I am looking for that comedy cocktail that will keep things fresh and hilarious.

Although I am not about to hit the comedy circuit myself, I do make it a point to make someone laugh everyday.  So I want to be in a relationship where our sense of humour completely gels.

When we are old, fat and too tired to get off the front porch, I want to be able to laugh until our teeth fall out.  Then laugh harder because…well…our teeth fell out!

One: A Giver

Signs that he is a giver:

  • he donates to a charity
  • he volunteers
  • he stops to help people
  • he makes himself available to family and friends
  • he does nice things for strangers without telling anyone about it
  • he shares
  • he listens
  • you feel like you can count on him
  • he has a lot of friends (Givers tend to be the kind of people who attract others)

If a man gets a tattoo of “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein that has to be a good sign doncha think?

It is time for me to find a giver.  I am not looking for material things but someone who has a giving spirit.  It’s so important to me that I decided to make this characteristic the first post on this blog.  If both people in a relationship are givers then that is bound to create something magical.

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